Mourning and Celebration

Funerals and Memoral Services are a funny thing.  Not funny, haha, but funny, weird.  I remember thinking that the day we did Eli's service.  We walked into the church and everyone was quiet and looking at us to see what we were going to do.  How we were going to act.  I didn't even look behind me to see who was attending.  I just looked forward because it felt too surreal.  I'm 29 and I'm saying good-bye to my son.  I'm not old enough for this and now I feel way too grown up.  This is so, not what I had planned for my life.  For 30-45 minutes, we cried, we sang, we listened to Scripture, we read and we mourned.  Then the mourning was over. We went to celebrate.  Celebrate Eli's short life with food and fellowship.  Put on the happy face.  Weird.  I was still mourning, was anyone else?  Just weird.

It happened again today.  I went to a service for a friend.  Their sweet babe is in heaven with Jesus.  It was sweet.  It was beautiful.  It was honest and it was real.  I'm proud of them.  I'm proud of their tears.  That they were strong enough to share and be honest in their pain. My heart hurts though, because the road of mourning isn't over.  It lasts forever, the pain just lessens as time goes by. 

I think that the celebration part is because we have been given Peace.  Jesus' peace.  We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our little ones are in heaven with Jesus.  Eli and his new friends are dancing at Jesus' feet.  They are celebrating the glory and love of Jesus.  Jesus is celebrating them.  He made them.  He created them.  He's loving them. 

My heart hurts because I want my kid with me and my friend's children with them, but our Lord is sovereign.  He brings us through hard things.  He carries us when our feet and legs are too tired to walk.  He keeps our tears in a bottle.  He gives us the strength and grace that we need.  In between we see glimpses of His glory.  Albeit faint, but they are glimpses. 

I cannot wait until He wipes away all of my tears and I can hold my son and meet his friends.  Meanwhile, I know he's safe and I will celebrate Jesus and look for His glory.

The Ultimate Thing for which we are Thankful

I love Thanksgiving.  It's always been one of my favorite holidays.  When I was in high school through college, we would spend Thanksgiving with a family from church every year.  We'd go around the table and say what we're thankful for.  Usually something like family, good health, a new car and God's provision.  A few years ago, when Thanksgiving rolled around I remember thinking that I didn't have a thing to be thankful for.  Tullie had just turned two that year, Eli had passed away in April, and we were pregnant with number four and it hadn't been easy.  We were having a low key Thanksgiving, (which has become a special day of PJ's and ribs ever since) and I had been thinking about what I would be thankful for.  My husband, yes.  My children, yes. My last year, NO!  I kept thinking about things I could feel, touch and different material things.  I was feeling like I was not blessed, but cursed instead.   So, what was there to be thankful for?

About 12 months later, a friend and I were talking and and she said, "Someone told me something the other day, that I keep thinking about.  They said, 'I've been living my life filled with hardships, punctuated by blessings.  I need to live my life filled with blessing, punctuated by hardships.'"  I had to process that for awhile.  I HAD been thinking that my life was FULL of hardship and no blessings.  Everything seemed to be working against us.  Nothing seemed to be working for us.

Then I started thinking about it. "Living a life full of blessing..." What did that mean?  Hardship had been all we had seen for the last three years.  One thing after another.  The more I thought about it, Jesus began to remind what my blessing was.  My blessing was HIM.  He plucked me out of my sin.  He saved me.  He has blessed me with salvation and I am His.  Forever!  I'm His!  Whatever He allows to happen in His sovereign and perfect will, I am His.  If I lose everything, I am His and I am blessed.  Hardship is part of life, and just because I'm striving to be a lover of Jesus, it doesn't mean I'm going to be a part of this world unscathed.

I struggle with that.  Losing everything.  It's hard to lose.  It's hard to lose people that you love.  It's hard to lose and to suffer through loss. I struggle, because I like my comfort.  I like boring.  I don't like risks or shake-ups.  I like people to be healthy, live long lives and experience no hardship.  That's not life though.  Life is full of hardships.  But Jesus is there.  I am blessed because I am His and He saved me.  I am blessed this year with Jesus' salvation and I am thankful.

I am thankful for Jesus.  I am thankful for His salvation.  I am thankful that Jesus chose the perfect man for me.  A man who would love his wife through the hardest things that could possibly happen.  A man who is strong.  I am thankful for my sons.  Josiah, who is here and litters the house with Legos and who has a mind like a sponge.  For Eli, who we got to spend moments with, but we will remember him for our lifetime and see him when we see Jesus.  I am thankful for my daughters. Tullie, who lights up the room with her grin and giggles.  Her hugs and her never ending love.  For Ellison, who was our surprise and who has brought joy to our house with her passionate love of life and zest.  I am thankful that my Savior has been gracious.  That I am beginning to see His glory in the three little faces He has given Mike and I to take care of here on Earth.

Hymns

I like hymns.  I like the words that were written and the realness of those words.  I like that you could see into the author's soul, their struggle with this life and their Hope.  "It is Well" and "Solid Rock" are two of my favorites.  We had them sung at our son's service, because I wanted to be reminded of the struggle that we face in this world, but where our Hope is. 

Read the words and be reminded of our Hope.  Our hope is in Jesus. 

It is Well

By Horatio G. Spafford, 1873

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:

If Jordan above me shall roll,

No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life

Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,

The sky, not the grave, is our goal;

Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!

Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

The Solid Rock

By Edward Mote, 1834

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

Refrain:

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand,

All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,

I rest on His unchanging grace;

In every high and stormy gale,

My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood

Support me in the whelming flood;

When all around my soul gives way,

He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,

Oh, may I then in Him be found;

Dressed in His righteousness alone,

Faultless to stand before the throne.

Shout Out, or a Write Out

Every week our church has been giving a few minutes to the folks in the audience to do a "shout out".  "Shout out" how you saw an evidence of God's grace.  IE new job after been laid off for awhile, healthy kids, Jesus providing for us financially, what a blessing my husband is to me etc.  (which by the way, my husband is  HUGE blessing to me and works very hard loving and caring for his family.  For this I am very grateful.)

I've been thinking about what my "shout out" would be.  I'd probably never actually shout it out, but I've been mulling it over the last few weeks. When I had figured out what my "shout out" would be, I thought, "If I had a blog, I'd write it out. It's too long to be a "shout out" and I don't have enough guts to actually "speak it" in public."  So, I was talking to Mike last night about wanting to write a blog and when he encouraged me to do it, I knew what my first topic would be.  My "shout out"!  Or in this case, my "write out."

My "write out" will also explain the title for the blog itself.  Bear with me for a few, there's a bit of history that will be breezed over, but in no way deemed unimportant.  In fact, it's very important and as time goes on hopefully pieces of the story will come together.

We have four children.  Josiah (5), Tullie (4), Eli (would be 3) and Ellison (2).  Tonight I'm focusing on the middle two.  All four have beautiful stories and they will all be written about, but tonight, it's the two who Jesus has used to teach me the most about this topic.  Tullie was a 31 week preemie, and at birth we found out that she had Down Syndrome.  Our lives took a big spin from the shock and as we were still reeling and trying to get our feet back on the ground, Eli was born 10 months later at 25 weeks and went into Jesus' arms the day after his birth.  From June 2005-April 2008 I was a mess.  A mess that looked very well put together, but still a mess. I would be lying if I was still not affected by all of this, because I am, very deeply, and I think it's fair to say that our whole family is.  It's a tender subject, but it's not one that we shy away from.

People told me frequently that I would see God's glory in the mess later.  That it's ok that none of this makes sense, but that Jesus' glory would be revealed in time.  God's glory shines through everything even during the darkest moments.  I agreed then, but only because I knew it in my head.  But when I thought of glory, I thought of gorgeous mountains high into the sky, crashing waves on sunny beaches, marvelous sunsets...  Things that were beautiful, not things that were dark and sad.  I agree now, because I can see faint glimpses of glory in the pain and suffering that Jesus has brought us through.

The last several weeks, I have seen how He has used something so dark and horrible.  Sad and heartbreaking.  The uncertainty of Tullie's diagnosis, and the darkness of the death of our son.  I thought that a glimmer of light would never poke through, because it was too black.  I struggled with hope.  I knew where my hope laid, but my yearning for heaven was strong.  Jesus was there carrying us through. Hard day after hard day, He carried us. (He still does.)  I am honestly not sure how the years went by and a lot of it seems to be a blur.

I can see a glimpse of Jesus' glory through Eli's death now.  It's faint, but I see it.  I know that Eli is with Jesus, I know that he is safe, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I would prefer Eli with me rather then seeing Jesus' glory portrayed this way. I struggle with that.  With my selfishness and what I would want rather then God's ultimate and perfect plan for us.  In the past week, I was reminded of Jesus' glory through Eli's death.  Jesus gave me words to say, when I needed them and I grieved.  I grieved and I was reminded that death is cruel and unnatural.  Children are not suppose to die before their parents.

Tullie came up to me with her arms wide open and wrapped them around my neck and hugged me with as much muscle as she could muster and I was reminded of God's glory.  He knew what He was doing when He brought her into our lives.  Her smile and little shy shrugs light up the room.  I was reminded that Jesus is sovereign.  He is Lord over all and He is glorious.

I'm seeing faint glimpses of His glory through the pain.  Through the sadness.

That is my "write out."

 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Cor. 4:16-18