Mourning and Celebration

Funerals and Memoral Services are a funny thing.  Not funny, haha, but funny, weird.  I remember thinking that the day we did Eli's service.  We walked into the church and everyone was quiet and looking at us to see what we were going to do.  How we were going to act.  I didn't even look behind me to see who was attending.  I just looked forward because it felt too surreal.  I'm 29 and I'm saying good-bye to my son.  I'm not old enough for this and now I feel way too grown up.  This is so, not what I had planned for my life.  For 30-45 minutes, we cried, we sang, we listened to Scripture, we read and we mourned.  Then the mourning was over. We went to celebrate.  Celebrate Eli's short life with food and fellowship.  Put on the happy face.  Weird.  I was still mourning, was anyone else?  Just weird.

It happened again today.  I went to a service for a friend.  Their sweet babe is in heaven with Jesus.  It was sweet.  It was beautiful.  It was honest and it was real.  I'm proud of them.  I'm proud of their tears.  That they were strong enough to share and be honest in their pain. My heart hurts though, because the road of mourning isn't over.  It lasts forever, the pain just lessens as time goes by. 

I think that the celebration part is because we have been given Peace.  Jesus' peace.  We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our little ones are in heaven with Jesus.  Eli and his new friends are dancing at Jesus' feet.  They are celebrating the glory and love of Jesus.  Jesus is celebrating them.  He made them.  He created them.  He's loving them. 

My heart hurts because I want my kid with me and my friend's children with them, but our Lord is sovereign.  He brings us through hard things.  He carries us when our feet and legs are too tired to walk.  He keeps our tears in a bottle.  He gives us the strength and grace that we need.  In between we see glimpses of His glory.  Albeit faint, but they are glimpses. 

I cannot wait until He wipes away all of my tears and I can hold my son and meet his friends.  Meanwhile, I know he's safe and I will celebrate Jesus and look for His glory.